The Venture Bros.

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The Venture Bros. is an animated cable television series created by Jackson Publick.

Contents

[edit]

Pilot

[edit]

The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay

(Dr. Venture and the boys run into the hanger. Brock is wrestling with a mummy.)
Brock: Stay back! Another one of those mummies got stuck in our landing gear.
Mummy: Who dares to desecrate the sacred tomb of- oof!
(Brock kicks the mummy in the groin and then proceeds to beat him as the mummy protests.)
Mummy: Ow! Hey, hey! Wait a minute. (Brock breaks the mummys arm.) There's no reason to - aarghhh! (Brock delivers a karate chop to the throat.) Oof! Ow, oh, hey!
Hank: Holy toledo, he ripped on him!
Dean: Way to give him a little chin music Brock!
Dr. Venture: Well that ought to take care of tha-
Dean: Look, Brock still ain't done with him!
(Brock unzips his pants and preceeds to urinate on the mummy.)
Hank: That's showing him who's boss, Brock-O!
Dr. Venture: Was that really necessary?
Brock: You have to defile a mummy completely or they'll come back to life. You know that.
[edit]

Season 1

[edit]

Dia de Los Dangerous

Mexican University Administrator: ...your check, Dr. Venture. Muchas gracias.
Dr. Venture: Super good! Very generous of yuh- oh, pesos. Great. These zeros are all meaningless.
Dr. Guevera: I am sorry, Señor Venture.
Dr. Venture: Doctor.
Dr. Guevera: Sí?
Dr. Venture: No, ‘Doctor Venture'. What's Mexican for ‘doctor'?
Dr. Guevera: ‘Doctor.'
Hank and Dean: Dad!
Dean: We knew you wouldn't let us down.
Hank: And just in the nick of time too - Monarch was gettin' all 'creepy uncle' on us.
Hank: (trying to pick a lock) Double dammit!
Dean: Hank, you said the double-d word!
Hank and Dean: He started it!
Dr. Venture: No I started it years ago in a moment of passion! And I'll end it the same way right here in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!
Brock: How long can you live if you're not hooked up to him?
Dr. Venture: Oh, I dunno...a couple of hours? But they'd be awfully uncomf--(Brock yanks out the tubes connecting Doc to H.E.L.P.eR.) GAH!
Brock: You get the boys out of here, I'll take care of these guys!
Dr. Venture: Brock, are you sure? There's an awful lot of them--
Brock: (eye twitching violently) They hit me with a truck!
[edit]

Careers in Science

Dr. Venture: Oh sweet jesus, tell me these suits have a collection pouch.
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: It's off!
Dean: It's on!
Hank: Off!
Dean: It's on!
Dr. Venture: That's called 'blinking', boys...
Hank and Dean: Phantom Space Man!
(After being rescued from being in space without a spacesuit)
Brock: Gonna...go...lay down...for a...second...
[edit]

Home Insecurity

Monarch henchmen 1: When they closed the plant, there weren't alot of jobs for me. All I gots a GED. It was either this or the army.
Underbheit henchmen 1: In Underland, all citizens are required to serve in his lordship's infantry from the ages of 12 to 37. At 38, we are executed.
Monarch henchmen 2: When I met The Monarch, I was hooked on crack cocaine, I get in all kinds of trouble. Monarch turned my life around. How bout you, why'd you join up?
Monarch henchmen 3: You guys kidnapped me when I was 15!
Hank: But Pop, you're bleeding!
Dr. Venture: Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.
Dr. Venture: Right now, G.U.A.R.D.O. doesn't know you or me from a squad of Snake People hopped up on PCP.
Hank: H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.
Hank and Dean: Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!
[edit]

The Incredible Mr. Brisby

Brock Samson: Boys, you don't want to shoot me. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.
[edit]

Eeney, Meeney, Miney... Magic!

Dr. Venture: My son has it in his head that you were in our house last night and you... killed our robot.
Dr. Orpheus: The seed of your loins is quite astute. I saved your mechanical man from certain damnation. For his frail, electronic eyes had gazed upon the impenetrable! He was an unwilling beholder to the impossible!
Dr. Orpheus: It Craves... Purity.. It Devours... Purity... It seems to be... What the hell is this thing made out of?
Dr. Venture: Nothing.
Dr. Orpheus: Come On!
Dr. Venture: Alright Fine, I might have used a few unorthodox parts.
Dr. Orpheus: Just tell me one!
Dr. Venture: An.. (quietly)Orphan..
Dr. Orpheus: A What?
Dr. Venture: An Orphan
Dr. Orpheus: Did you say.. An Orphan!!
Dr. Venture: Yeah.. a little.. orphan boy..
Dr. Orpheus: It's powered by a forsaken child!?
Dr. Venture: Might be.. Kind of.. I mean i didn't use the whole thing!
Triana: Who's that big guy who's always washing his car in front of your place?
Dean: Oh, that's Brock. He's my dad's bodyguard. One time, I saw him kill a guy with a sock full of party snaps!
Triana: Did the guy's head get blown off?
Dean: (sternly) Yes it did.
Hank: Dean that's great and I can't wait to hear all about it, only Brock's stuck inside Dad's thing that makes people happy. But it's all evil.
Dean: I dare you to make less sense.
Hank: I was on the floor and I heard everything! And I have a plan!
Dr. Venture: Dean, what are you doing in there? I need to take a shower.
Dean: I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!
Dr. Venture: Never mind, Dean.
Triana: So how come I never see you at school?
Dean: (with a hint of fear says) I'm kind of home tutored in a box my pop made, (looks down with a more frightened tone) it sometimes gets very hot... in the box pop made.
[edit]

Ghosts of the Sargasso

Dean: Dad is super serious all of a sudden. Do you really think he's in as much danger as he says he is?
Brock: Oh yeah, he's screwed. I give him about an hour before he panics and begs for us to haul him up.
Dr. Venture: Okay guys, I can hear all this!
(as Brock beats up the fake ghost pirate)
Pirate 1: Oh crap, he's getting his ass kicked, let's go save him!
Pirate 2: You crazy? My sword's made of cardboard.
Pirate Captain: You're not a very good liar, Dean, are you?
Dean: Maybe. . .
Hank: Brock, if pirates really exist, I mean, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy could even be real, right? It's like all bets are off!
Brock: Hank nobody ever said pirates don't exist.
Hank: So you agree with me that this is impossible.
Brock: Hank, if there was ever a time in your life I needed you not to be Hank, it's now.
Hank: Uh, sorry, Brock.
Brock: Focus, Hank! Whatever you do, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.
Hank: Brock, I don't smoke!
Brock: Good. Now's a lousy time to start.
(Brock is chained up, and talking to Hank through his communicator watch)
Brock: After the twist, you'll hear a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.
Hank: And that will knock him out...even more?
Brock: That'll kill him
Hank: Do I have to?
Brock: Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.
Jeanie: Tom, it's your wife, sweety. You're dead now – it's time to go.
Hank: Alright Brock, I know this sounds crazy, but just hear him out.
Captain: Guuhhm. Can we have a ride home?
Brock: What?
Dean: Noooo. Do it like you said you were gonna.
Captain: (sigh) I'm really, really sorry about this whole mess, and, you know, the whole pirate thing is behind me now, and... Plus you kinda killed Steve, and burnt my ship and, so, if you could give us a lift out of here I figure we'd just call it squarsies.
Brock: (sigh) Alright.
Hank & Dean: Go team Venture!
(the captain looks at Brock)
Brock: I don't know, they just do that.
[edit]

Ice Station -- Impossible!

Mr. White: It's like wearing nothing at all. Like a second skin.
Dr. Venture: Ummm, you've got a little something brown on your nose.
Hank: Hey Brock, how would you [kill me]?
Brock: You're asleep. Quick jerk of the neck. Never feel a thing.
Hank: You've thought about this.
Brock: Yes I have.
Hank: Cool! I'm not going to explode anymore. And plus - free invisible mom.
Hank and Dean: Go Team Venture!
Prof. Impossible: There's a reason Ned's boots have velcro instead of laces, honey.
[edit]

Mid-Life Chrysalis

Dr. Venture: Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.
Dr. Venture: What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!
(Doc emerges from under the sheets.)
Hank: Holy crap! What happened?
Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in god's eye, and he blinked.
[edit]

Are You There God? It's Me, Dean

Dr. Venture: Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!
#24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
#21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
#24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
#21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!
Dean: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
[edit]

Tag-Sale -- You're it!

Dr. Orpheus: Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.
Dr. Venture: You're kidding, right?
Dr. Orpheus: It just seems so romantic.
#21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
#24: Allegedly.
#21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
#24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden.
The Monarch: With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down. I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares.
Dr. Venture: What's he doing now?
Dean: He's making his dramatic exit.
Dr. Venture: (sigh) "This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.
Hank: I think he's almost done.
The Monarch: And then, when nothing can be heard but your crys of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!
Dr. Girlfriend: Sweetie isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?
The Monarch: Oh no wait where? Holy crap he's with a girl!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh yeah that guy is totally straight, I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.
The Monarch: But he's the guy from Depeche Mode that's impossible!
Dr. Girlfriend: Straight!
The Monarch: Come on; He's in Depeche Mode!
[edit]

Past Tense

Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?
Mr. White: This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen, from her little buddy, Mike Sorayama. And he writes, "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."
Dr. Venture: Oh come on! You're going to kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?
[edit]

The Trial of the Monarch

The Monarch: While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless artifact, I was systematically feeding babies to hungry mutated puppies.
Hank: (examining the bathroom door which Dr. Orpheus has just exited) The hair's gone! A clue!
Dean: It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?
Brock: It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So- nice job. Case closed.
Dr. Venture: Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam.
Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: It's weird, right.
Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: You think it's a cry for help?
(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read sandskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!
The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: Objection you honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(Pulls out Necronomicon, Dr. Venture slaps head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of it's mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.
Judge: You're on thin ice, but do you get off the ice? No, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge cont'd: ...to decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY!
The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(Cutscene to The Monarch's Floating Cocoon)
The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
Number 24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you:
The Monarch reading:'...riffiling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentily launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid..'
Number 24: Told you!
Number 21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
Number 24: You're such a d*ck, you put his face on the cover!
The Monarch reading: *there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over* '...plucking her eyebrows.'
The Monarch: Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me a Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!
Judge: I want that last bit stricken from the record. And my mind.
[edit]

Return to Spider-Skull Island

Dean: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...
Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
Dr. Orpheus: Pumpkin, get me my cloak!
Triana: Why don't you wear the ...
Dr. Orpheus: Oh fine. Get me my blue windbreaker!!!
Dr. Orpheus: Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips can open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!
The Monarch: What are you boys doing in the penhouse?
Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!
Dean: Huh?
The Monarch: I put out a hit on you...super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother f*cking prison here. My life is sh*t.
The Monarch: You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of f*cking animals. *Hank opens his mouth* I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. *Hank opens his mouth again* No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.
Dean: *sighs* This was a big mistake.
The Monarch: F*ckin' a, right! This is all wrong, you boys are the f*cking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.
Hank: F*ck that sh*t!
Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!
Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us. We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.
Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.
The Monarch: Oh this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?
Dr. Venture: What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You could have Dean. He could carry you around on his back, like Master Blaster.
Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.
[edit]

Specials

[edit]

A Very Venture Christmas

The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
The Monarch: Oh… Well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For, Christmas.
Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...
Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what's the big plan?
The Monarch: Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (A scale model of the Venture Compound raises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh. And when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
The Monarch: What?
Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
The Monarch: ...I peeked.
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