Veronica Mars

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Veronica Mars is a television program on the UPN network, created by Rob Thomas. It premiered in North America on September 22, 2004.

Please read Veronica Mars/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.

Contents

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Season 1

[edit]

Pilot [1.01]

Veronica: [voiceover] This is my school. If you go here, your parents are either millionaires, or your parents work for millionaires. Neptune, California, a town without a middle class. If you're in the second group, you get a job. Fast food, movie theaters, mini marts. Or you could be me. My after school job means tailing philandering spouses or investigating false injury claims.
Veronica: [voiceover] Let's not forget Logan Echolls. His dad makes twenty million a picture. You probably own his action figure. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.
Veronica: [Cutting Wallace down from the flagpole] You're new here, huh? Welcome to Neptune High. Go Pirates!
Weevil: Sister, the only time I care what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog. But even then, it's not so much words - just a bunch of 'oohs' and 'aahs,' you know?
Veronica: So it's big, huh?
Weevil: Legendary.
Veronica: Well, let's see it. I mean, if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [gasps] We could go to prom together! What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here, vato.
Felix: Dude, Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that.
Veronica: Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it, too.
Felix: Oh hell, I'll show you mine!
Clemmons: Veronica, why does trouble follow you around?
Lamb: You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts.
Cliff: I make no apologies. I like this case. It's tawdry.
Mrs. Murphy: [to a sleeping Veronica] Congratulations, you're my volunteer. Pope. An Essay on Man. Epistle I.
Veronica: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always to be blest: the soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come."
Mrs. Murphy: And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?
Veronica: Life's a bitch until you die.
Keith: Say what you want about real cheese. I am a fan of the orange-powder packet stuff.
Veronica: God Lilly, I see the Prozac's working.
Lilly: High on life, Veronica Mars. I've got a secret. A good one.
Weevil: Why you care so much for that skinny negro, anyway? Things I heard about you, he must really lay the pipe right, huh?
Weevil: All right, one week. After that, we come for you, your boy... and your little dog, too.
Weevil: You get lonely out here, remember: Weevil love you long time.
Veronica: [voiceover] You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.
Logan: Hey, Ronnie. Hey, we've decided that we'd rather surf than study today. You wanna come with? Duncan will promise to take his shirt off. Does that sweeten the pot? Does that make you horny? Hey, D.K., flex for your ex.
Duncan: Shut up, Logan.
Wallace: Girl, you should hear what people say about you.
Veronica: So then what are you doing sitting here?
Wallace: You sat next to me.
Veronica: This is my table.
Wallace: And what a fine table it is. What do you suppose this is made of? [knocks table] Oak?
Keith: Who's your Daddy?
Veronica: Ugh, I hate it when you say that.
Keith: You know what, this is important. You remember this: I used to be cool.
Veronica: When?
Keith: '77. Trans Am, Blue Oyster Cult in the eight-track, a foxy, stacked blonde riding shotgun, racing for pink slips. Ah, wait a minute, I'm thinking of a Springsteen song. Scratch everything, I was never cool.
Veronica: I don't know which bothers me more, "foxy" or "stacked."
Keith: I nailed our bail jumper 100 yards from México. Twenty-five hundred bucks. No sack dinners tonight. Tonight, we eat like the lower-middle class to which we aspire! Fire up the hibachi!
Wallace: Hey, Flo Jo, slow your ass down.
Fire Chief: [about Veronica] Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.
Wallace: That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie!
Logan: Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?
Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.
Logan: [smashes a headlight] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?
Veronica: Clearly your sense of humor.
Logan: [smashes other headlight] Nope. And you're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is: my car. That's right, my Daddy took my T-bird away. And you know what I won't be having? Fun, fun, fun.
Felix: Hey, yo, is this O-Town any good? I mean, my little sister likes it, but you know, she likes ponies and juice boxes, too.
Wallace: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.
Veronica: Be cool, Soda Pop.
Weevil: My uncle has a body shop on the highway. If you come in, you know, I can make sure your body gets the full-service treatment.
Veronica: Okay, now you apologize.
Weevil: I'm sorry, was that too dirty, 'cause...
Veronica: Not to me, dork. To him.
Weevil: Right. No.
Veronica: Fine. He has the only copy of the Sac-n-Pac video. Wallace, let's go decide what to do with it.
Weevil: Okay, w-w-w-wait. Look, look. I'm sorry, man, for, you know, taping you to the flagpole. I'm sorry.
Wallace: All right.
Weevil: Can I have the tape back now?
Wallace: [beat] Nope.
Veronica: [voiceover] I used to think I knew what tore our family apart. Now I'm sure I don't. But I promise this: I will find out what really happened and I will bring this family back together again. I'm sorry, is that mushy? Well, you know what they say: "Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow."
[edit]

Credit Where Credit's Due [1.02]

Wallace: Another big Friday night. You got plans?
Veronica: I don't know. I might take Backup for a run or rent a movie, maybe.
Wallace: Hey, congratulations. You are officially Neptune High's most boring person.
Veronica: Did I mention the movie might be PG-13?
Wallace: Oh, jump back, wild child!
Veronica: What about you, Wallace? Your life still a non-stop Nelly video?
Wallace: Hey, at least I want my life to be a non-stop Nelly video.
Troy: What do you say, dawg? You ready to get this party started? You ready to burn this mother down? Up jump the boogie?
Duncan: My plan, and I haven't worked this out entirely yet, so bear with me, was to... raise the roof.
Troy: See, that is so you, man, Mr. Old School.
Duncan: Me, old school? You're the one who wanted to come down here and get jiggy wit' it. So, uh, you wanna go meet the locals or what?
Troy: As long as they're humble, God-fearing, salt-of-the-earth types.
Duncan: Every last one.
Logan: This is a private party, man.
Weevil: Oh, is it? I'm sorry. I must have been confused. Hey, let me ask you something. Have I ever asked you if I could come play through at Torrey Pines? Have you ever run into me surfing down at Cape Crescent, bro, huh? Have you ever even once come home to find us throwing a kegger in your backyard? No? Then what the hell do you think you're doing on our beach?
Logan: Am I supposed to apologize? Am I supposed to shake in my boots? Look around you, man. It ain't fifteen on four tonight. Hey, Caitlin. You've been to my house a bunch, right? It's nice, right? It's clean, well-kept. You wanna know why? It's because Weevil's grandma keeps it that way. She is a good little worker, your grandma. Yeah, spic-and-span.
Chardo: [laughs] Yeah, it's a tough job, you know? Grandma says you go through a box of tissue a day. Your room alone.
Logan: What can I say to that, you know? She's a very sexy lady. Thank you.
Weevil: My reputation? Oh, well, then I guess what everybody says about you is true, too, huh? That you, you like it a little freaky. Don't you? That you spy on Duncan Kane, that you send him pictures of yourself? Be honest, Veronica-you think you're this big outsider. But push comes to shove? You're still one of them. You still think like one of them. Take off. I don't want you around here.
Keith: Way to stand up on your own two feet, Lamb, and say, hey, the buck stoooops - there.
Wallace: Do I look like James Bond to you?
Veronica: Am I asking you to retrieve a nuclear warhead? No. Just copy the attendance records. It's cake. Fácil.
Caitlin: I'm gonna go down to the gym to talk to people for the student poll.
Ms. Dent: Be back by the end of the period. And remember that we're a multicultural school with a diverse population of students from a wide range of socio-economic backgrounds.
Caitlin: Meaning?
Ms. Dent: Meaning don't just interview your friends.
Veronica: I was thinking maybe I could just take pictures?
Ms. Dent: Well, I'm not sure if you could just do that, but we can start there. Do you have any experience with a camera?
Veronica: Yeah. Some.
Ms. Dent: This is a 35 mm camera. Now, my suggestion, as you're starting out, is to set it on auto and that way -
Veronica: I'd really be more comfortable if I could just use my own camera. Uhm, the swivel LCD really comes in handy when you're doing overhead shooting or ground-level macro-shooting. The optical zoom actually goes up to 71.2 mm. And it's good to have the raw-file option because you can mess with the images post exposure without nearly the loss of image quality you'd get with a JPEG file.
Ms Dent: And... when it's dark outside, you should use a flash.
Ms. Dent: Duncan Kane, this is Veronica. Veronica's going to be taking pictures tomorrow, and I arranged for you to ride with Bodie's parents.
Duncan: I'll drive.
Ms Dent: Great, maybe Veronica can...
Veronica: I can drive too.
Ms Dent: Okay. Oil crisis be damned.
Wallace: Yeah, you realize, don't you, that this guy you're trying to help out duct-taped me butt nekkid to a flagpole just last week?
Veronica: Man, you really hold a grudge.
Wallace: Yeah, I'm funny that way.
Caitlin: But you know what? No one cares what you think, Veronica Mars. Not anymore. Not since you stabbed all your friends in the back.
Veronica: You seem to care a bit what I think.
Logan: Tell the truth, Veronica. Did you just sign up for newspaper class so you could be around Duncan?
Veronica: No, I'm here so I could be closer to you.
Veronica: I printed out the entire browser history from Logan Echolls' computer in his fourth period computer lab class.
Wallace: So is he guilty?
Veronica: Well, of wanting desperately to see pictures of Alyssa Milano naked, yes.
Troy: Flat?
Veronica: Just as God made me.
Troy: Are you always this persnickety?
Veronica: Sometimes I'm even persnicketier.
Veronica: I'm Veronica.
Troy: Really. Veronica. Okay, yeah, that...that does make a lot more sense.
Veronica: Makes more sense how?
Troy: Ah, it's nothing. I just, uh, should never listen to those guys. I mean, really - who names a daughter Trampy McBitch?
Veronica: [voiceover] In five seconds, I'm just going to do the Charlie's Angels roll right out of the moving car.
Lilly: Why'd you join pep squad, Veronica?
Veronica: Um, the PE credit. You?
Lilly: Veronica, I suffer from too much pep. I needed a pep outlet. Plus, Sassy says girls who join the clubs really get the fellas.
Veronica: 'Cause you really need a lot of help on that front.
Lilly: Well, you know what my mom says. You have to kiss a few toads... That's it. That's her entire philosophy.
Veronica: [voiceover] They gave me a choice. I could stand by my dad, or stand by Duncan and my dead best friend's family. I chose Dad. It's a decision I live with every day. And you want to know the kicker? I don't even know what's true anymore. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe Dad screwed up the investigation. Maybe I gave up my circle of friends - my life - over an error in Dad's judgement.
Veronica: [voiceover] Is it that easy? Say "Maybe I was wrong" and get my old life back?
Wallace: Where you off to, superfly?
Veronica: I'm gonna nail that sucker.
Veronica: She's a thrill-seeker. Doing you was like doing the Dew, and that's all it was.
Weevil: Veronica Mars, I hear you're to thank for this Kodak moment. Didn't you get the memo? The bad guy was already in jail. Gimme some love.
Troy: Well a wise man once said that a 'No' is like a 'Yes' except with different letters and arranged in a different order and spoken out loud but, you know, it disappears on the wind.
[edit]

Meet John Smith [1.03]

Troy: Guess what I'm doing this weekend.
Veronica: I'm guessing it involves autoeroticism.
Veronica: [voiceover] The weird thing about going to high school with your ex is they're inescapable. Everywhere you turn, there they are.
Keith: Have you been playing nice with the other children?
Veronica: You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.
Keith: I think that's actually Old Testament.
Logan: Hey. Have you noticed that the new kid in town has uh, been all over your trailer-park ex?
Duncan: Let it be, Logan.
Logan: Okay nowhere man, you be the fool on the hill. See if I care.
Duncan: Yes, sweet old Molly, God rest her soul. Boy, could that dog catch a frisbee. If only she'd had the good sense to not whiz in the flowerbed, she'd still be with us.
Veronica: Wallace is a friend of mine. [karate chops] Take that, high school guidance counselor.
Keith: Hello, Wallace. Now what's going on here?
Veronica: Helping a kid at school locate his deadbeat dad, the somewhat inconveniently named John Smith. But I've narrowed the field down to 440 John Smiths, so I'm sending each of them a letter addressed to his son congratulating him on a scholarship. And I figure if our John Smith has any conscience at all, he'll see the name of his son, open the letter and call to say he's got the wrong address.
Keith: Part of me is proud. And let's just leave it at that.
Keith: So how did she rope you into this?
Wallace: She promised me all the answer keys to - just promised to be my friend.
Keith: I'd have held out for a better offer. I'll be in my office.
Veronica: Hey, would you do me a favor?
Wallace: Why did all the hair on the back of my neck just stick up?
Veronica: It's not that big of a deal. Just - the next time you're in the administrations office, could you borrow my permanent file? I want to see what that counselor is telling Dad.
Wallace: Oh yeah, no big deal, I can get expelled for that.
Troy: Let me see your phone.
Veronica: What are you doing?
Troy: It is now booty-call enabled.
Veronica: In case I need a little late-night action?
Troy: Action, investment advice. Whatever.
Keith: How was your date?
Veronica: Oh, you know. Lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic.
Keith: That's not funny.
Veronica: I don't know, I'm pretty sure it was.
Veronica: Everything you told me was a lie, Justin. You wasted my time. That drives me crazy. And you owe me $150 in postage.
Keith: It's just that I never want you to think your mom's the villain in all this.
Veronica: Isn't she?
Keith: No, it's not that simple.
Veronica: Yeah it is. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that splits.
Keith: I don't think that's a healthy perspective.
Veronica: It's healthier than me pining away everyday, praying she'll come home.
Veronica: Wait up.
Troy: Don't run, Veronica. People might think that you're desperate.
Veronica: That would be a step up, reputation-wise.
Logan: Hey uh, I thought your boy toy Troy was gonna join us for happy hour this afternoon. You don't supposed that uh, he got waylaid by Veronica, do you?
Lilly: Yo, bro, how can you watch this crap? It could not be more boring. [touches wound] Ugh, what the hell?
Duncan: Lilly?
Lilly: Yeah. What, you forgot about me already?
Duncan: Wh-what are you - ?
Lilly: You know what makes absolutely no sense? My disappearance. Murder. Whatever. How it supposedly went down. It's so bogus, right? But here's the thing. The truth is gonna come out.
Duncan: What are you talking about?
Lilly: Clue in, Donut. It doesn't add up. You know that, deep down inside. I wish you'd just admit it to yourself. Break out of your stupor. Wake up.
Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the storm.
[edit]

The Wrath of Con [1.04]

[Veronica arrives home from a date.]
Veronica: So, what did you think of him?
Keith: Oh, hey, you're home early.
Veronica: Oh, hey, did you run his license plate or did you get fingerprints?
Keith: I'm sorry, honey, what?
Veronica: You know you're not fooling me.
Keith: Okay. Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. [Veronica scoffs and starts to go to her room] Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.
Veronica: Is that really necessary?
Keith: He's taking up a lot of daddy/daughter time.
Georgia: Okay, that was the pile you just got finished alphabetizing, wasn't it?
Wallace: Actually, it was two piles.
Georgia: Oh, could I be a bigger spaz? Seriously.
Wallace: Yes. You could have knocked over three piles.
[Lilly arrives in her homecoming dress.]
Logan: I believe Keanu Reeves said it best when he said "Whoa."
Wallace: It's not going to work. You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.
Veronica: Tonight, you lucky boy, I'm all nerd hag.
Lilly: Okay, it's my turn. Logan.
Logan: Truth.
Lilly: What did you think of Veronica the first time you saw her?
Logan: I don't know, I thought she was hot.
Veronica: I was 12 when you moved here!
Logan: Oh, and like you weren't working it in your shorts and knee socks.
Veronica: That was my soccer uniform!
Logan: Whatever! It totally worked. [they all laugh] Okay, Lilly.
Lilly: Dare.
Duncan: [scoffs] Shocker.
Logan: Okay, kiss someone in this limo.
Duncan: Come on, man. [Logan readies himself as Lilly approaches him] Here we go. [Lilly fakes out and kisses Veronica instead]
Logan: Ohh! [laughs]
Duncan: Oh, no.
Logan: A little girl-on-girl action!
Duncan: Dude, that's my sister and my girlfriend.
Logan: Yeah, dude, like that one's not in the rotation.
Grant: So what do you plan on majoring in?
Wallace: Math?
Grant: Math? Wow. So, what are you into? Chaos theory, PDE's, adjoint methods, what's your thing?
Wallace: I'm pretty interested in adjoint methods. Right now.
Grant: For error estimation or duality?
Wallace: I know this is gonna sound kind of weird, but I'm interested in both.
Veronica: [feigning inebriation] They told me this was Sri Lanka. I wanted a coconut toddy.
Veronica: [continuing fake drunkenness] I don't feel so good, Papa Bear. [gags]
Wallace: [helps her walk until out of sight] "Papa Bear"?
Veronica: Never happened.
Wallace: My first college party - drinking piña coladas with a dude and talking about math.
Logan: What part of my ignoring you makes you think you're welcome?
Veronica: What are you doing?
Logan: Assembling the world's most boring memorial video. Ballet, choir recital, debutante crap, Girl Scouts. Memories both misty and water-colored.
Veronica: It's Lilly as a long-distance commercial.
[Playing "I Never"]
Logan: I've never taken matters into my own hand in the boys' locker room after watching cheerleader tryouts.
[Veronica and Lilly gasp]
Duncan: Dude, you are so dead.
Lilly: Very pervy, Duncan. I'm a little impressed.
Logan: You must drink, comrade.
Veronica: Please tell me that was before we started dating.
Duncan: [drinking] Of course. I've never uhm, I've never seen my parents having sex. [Lilly drinks, everyone gasps] Oh, no way, no way.
Lilly: Yeah, I went into their room to borrow Mom's black sweater.
Duncan: No, just shut up.
Lilly: Mom was on top of Dad.
Duncan: Oh my God, I don't wanna see this!
Lilly: Hold on a second! She was like this. Watch. She was like this. [moaning] Ohh. Ohh. [yawning] Ohh.
Duncan: Lilly, that is so wrong.
Lilly: I think Dad probably thought so too.
Keith: So, Veronica tells me, uhm, well actually she hasn't told me anything about you.
Troy: Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Keith: Neither do I. [both laugh]
Troy: Well, if you have any questions or you know you want a list of references or anything.
Keith: So, you going to the homecoming dance?
Troy: Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you.
Keith: Oh, of course. And after the dance?
Troy: Well I think that Veronica said that she had to be right home after.
Keith: Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance. I mean, you're not gonna leave early and go to a party or a hotel, and still make it back by curfew?
Troy: No, uh, I mean, the whole point of going to the dance... is to go to the dance.
Keith: Good. Good. So you won't mind then, that I cancelled your reservation at the Four Seasons?
Veronica: You need to lay off the caffeine, Grrrant. 'Cause you're downright testy!
Lilly: You love me, don't you?
[edit]

You Think You Know Somebody [1.05]

Troy: I've spent the past forty minutes listening to Logan dry heave so you can buy a deformed piñata?
Luke: Dude, everything was closed. It was the cheapest souvenir I could find.
Logan: I'll say it one more time: Juanita from the Hot Tamale... Ay-yi-yi-yi.
Troy: These border checkpoints man, they always freak me out.
Logan: Maybe you shouldn't volunteer for the full-cavity search.
Logan: Didn't Luke look kinda scared last night when that señorita started working her milkshake on him?
Troy: Isn't this where we parked? Tell me that this isn't where we parked. Please, someone tell me that you can see my father's car and this heart attack I'm having now is for nothing.
Logan: I don't know. Maybe it's like Brigadoon. Come back in a hundred years and it'll be right back in this spot.
Troy: What's your problem? It's not even your ass on the line.
Luke: Yeah, I know. This just... really sucks, man.
Logan: Wow man, that's profound.
Veronica: Dude, where's your car?
Veronica: [about Logan] Uh, your monkey's gonna have to ride in the back.
Logan: Ha ha. Nice car. God, it must've been a huge cereal box.
Wallace: All right then, Velma. Why don't you see what you can find on, say, me.
Veronica: It's Daphne, thank you very much.
Veronica: [voiceover] You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.
Veronica: So, you and Ms. James, huh? I wouldn't have pegged that one.
Keith: We only went out a couple of times. I didn't wanna make a big deal of it.
Veronica: So don't. I get it. Companionship, needs, yadda yadda yadda. It's fine.
Keith: I'm sorry you didn't hear about it from me first.
Veronica: Don't sweat it. You know how many things I don't tell you? [Keith gives her a look] I'm kidding. It's cool. Just next time, could you shoot for an actual teacher? Because this has no potential benefit to my grade-point average.
Veronica: [voiceover] The best way to dull the pain of your best friend's murder is to have your mother abandon you as soon as possible. It's like hitting your thumb with a hammer. Then, when it's throbbing so badly you don't think you'll survive, you cut the damn thing off.
Luke: [out of breath] Hey. You're helping Troy find his Dad's car, right?
Veronica: You're sweating on me.
Luke: Look, I need your help. There's kind of more to this car thing than... th-the car. There was a piñata full of steroids in the backseat. I-I did a run for Hank Zigman, he owns the Zigzag Sports Club. I wanted to get pumped for varsity baseball. I was... pretty much down for whatever.
Veronica: Including shrunken testicles and acne scars. Well, speaking for the women of America, good plan.
Veronica: So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy, Earl yesterday, at the impound yard.
Troy: What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?
Veronica: I'm guessing both. No sign of the Beemer. But he can get you a great deal on a Good Times van.
Troy: I'll pass that on to my Dad when he gets back. Maybe it'll take his mind off of loading his gun.
Veronica: Here's a thought: If Tijuana was Logan's idea, then stealing the car could have been the master plan.
Troy: It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.
Veronica: Ah, so what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?
Troy: Let's see, uh from eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. After that, it was uh, yeah, it was all donkey shows.
Veronica: Ah, so the usual?
Troy: Pretty much.
Veronica: Time for a chat?
Logan: Well, you'd think if hell froze over maybe it'd be on the news.
Veronica: I just wanna hear more about the steroids you bought last weekend.
Logan: You mean the steroids Luke bought. Wow, you suck at this Nancy Drew stuff. You should get a new hobby.
Veronica: So you knew he was doing it?
Logan: You actually think that I would tell you anything?
[Veronica drags Luke into the bathroom.]
Veronica: We need to talk.
Luke: All right, well does it have to be next to the feminine hygiene machine?
Troy: Let's just say that you've been told you have seventy-two hours to live. How do you spend it? You can dig through medical text looking for a miracle cure, or you can make those 72 hours the best three days of your life. And I choose sexy, fun time.
[During an exercise in newspaper class.]
Ms. Dent: Remember, start with light, easy questions first. Let your subject get comfortable.
Ashley: So, Miss Mars, how do you respond to the rumors that your boyfriend hooked up with strippers in Tijuana last weekend?
Veronica: Miss Banks, have you decided which parent you're gonna live with after the divorce? And if I may, a follow-up: Can you believe your father's choice in mistresses?
[Keith breaks up with Ms. James.]
Keith: I can't do this to Veronica. She's not ready to see me dating yet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but she's having a really hard time.
Ms. James: [long pause] Can you do me a favor?
Keith: Of course.
Ms. James: Can you just tell me it's another reason, like... like a crappy one? Your being a good father isn't really something I can bitch about to my girlfriends over margaritas.
Troy: Hey, sexy. Give me a kiss, make all my troubles disappear?
Veronica: All your troubles? That would take a lot of kissing. I'm just glad we weren't dating when you were kicked out of those two schools for drug possession and trafficking. My lips would have fallen off.
Keith: Wow, that's some cake.
Veronica: Isn't it, though?
Keith: I love it. Ever notice how everything you make just tends to lean a little to the left?
Veronica: [examining the cake] I do that on purpose.
Veronica: I obviously know nothing about relationships.
Keith: But you can bake, and that's important.
Troy: Can you feel the heat, yet? I'm getting so close, baby, your panties ought to burst into flames any minute now.
[edit]

Return of the Kane [1.06]

Logan: Don't you people have lives? You don't see me poking around in your trailer park, do you?
Duncan: Thanks, Dad. You know, I polled the rest of the soccer team. None of them want to see my junk.
Jake: Well, now you're covered.
Madison: You're not allowed delivery.
Wanda: And you're not allowed to breathe my air. Go. Shoo. Return to Xanadu.
Veronica: Tough day?
Keith: [imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.
Veronica: [imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?
Keith: You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.
Veronica: [normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.
Keith: [normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.
Veronica: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Keith: Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.
Veronica: [gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry.
Lilly: Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.
Veronica: Why are you here?
Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.
Veronica: Really?
Lilly: Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.
Veronica: Why would he have wanted to kill you?
Lilly: Honestly! I was awesome, right?
Veronica: I miss you, Lilly.
Ms. Dent: Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.
Veronica: Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.
Ms. Dent: The election's tomorrow.
Veronica: And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Résumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."
Veronica: [voiceover] If Lilly's ghost is going to haunt me until justice has been served, then I better get my ass in gear.
Veronica: Hey, Student 43059. Who the hell is candidate E and why did you vote for her?
Wallace: You think I'm not voting for the sister? And for what possible reason do you have my student ID number memorized?
Veronica: I want to find out who this kid is and what room he voted in.
Wallace: And I want a statue of myself in the main lobby - holding a musket, staring down danger. Since we're talking about stuff we want.
Veronica: Please?
Wallace: How hard was that?
[At a hamburger stand.]
Jake: You know, your mother and your mother's personal trainer don't need to know anything about this.
Duncan: Agreed.
Jake: What do you say we stop on the way home, knock out some uh, campaign bumper stickers?
Duncan: When you say "we" you mean...
Jake: I mean we go and talk to some of my graphics guys. [Duncan sighs] Oh come on, Duncan. Look what you already accomplished, and you weren't even trying. Imagine what you'd be capable of if you just put your heart into it.
Duncan: Cue inspirational music here.
Jake: I'm so tired of your cynicism.
Duncan: Dad, I'm sorry. I mean, I know you think that this election is some sort of stepping stone on my way to the White House.
Jake: I got news for you. I'm not concerned about this election. I just wanna see you engaged, enthusiastic about something. Look, your happiness is all I've ever wanted.
Duncan: Well, what if I find happiness living in a grass hut carving driftwood figurines for tourists?
Jake: I feel confident you have grander ambitions than that. But if you're happy and committed to driftwood carving, be the best driftwood carver you can be. After you've graduated from Stanford. Law School. Summa cum laude.
Veronica: You know they only chose the word "narc" because it would hit closest to home with your constituency.
Wanda: I shouldn't find that comforting... but I do.
Veronica: Well, why don't you come over tonight, and we'll make new posters and I'll get some puffy paint and an Avril Lavigne CD, and it'll just be like our pep squad days!
Wanda: [mocking pep squad moves] Awesome!
Veronica: [laughs then stops abruptly] Okay, don't do that.
Veronica: I guess we're not going to that rave in the desert, but I do have a pretty good idea of where you can stick these.
[edit]

The Girl Next Door [1.07]

Veronica: You are so lucky he's your dog. I would immediately put him in a little sailor's outfit.
Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.
Clemmons: Oh. [fake laugh] Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.
Logan: Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.
Ms. Dent: Class of '79. Think of all the bad clothes you can mock. Velour shirts. Platform shoes.
Logan: They teach you manners in ESL?
Weevil: If I was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick somebody smart?
Logan: If you "was gonna"?
Mr. Daniels: Ah, alas, you both get zeroes. No talking during tests.
Logan: I guess Mrs. Daniels ain't giving it up at home, huh?
Mr. Daniels: You know, the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls, but do you know what it will get you in the real world?
Logan: [sarcastically] Please say "high school English teacher." Please say "high school English teacher." [Weevil snickers]
Mr. Daniels: Mr. Navarro. I wonder if you'll find Mr. Echolls so amusing ten years from now - when you're pumping his gas.
Weevil: Let me ask you something, man.
Logan: Is this detention or hell?
Weevil: How do you people not make yourselves sick? I mean, it's like you walk on water in this school. For what? It's nothing that you do. I mean, all that matters is who your parents are and the zip code your mom shot you out in.
Logan: And if I donate to the United Latino Pain-in-the-Ass fund, will you shut the hell up?
Weevil: You like playin' wit' yourself?
Logan: Huh?
Weevil: Or you wanna make things interesting?
Logan: What did you have in mind?
Weevil: You're almost as bad an actor as your father.
Logan: You know that you don't need a diploma to steal hubcaps, right? I mean, why do you even show up here?
Weevil: Promised my grandmother. I don't break my promises.
Logan: [flatly] And I mean this: aww.
Mr Daniels: Is this Reno or detention?
Logan: Would you believe the best of both?
Mr Daniels: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.
Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.
Veronica: Did you hear something last night?
Keith: What kind of something?
Veronica: Like a loud thump from upstairs.
Keith: I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?
Veronica: I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.
Keith: A falling body?
Veronica: Yes, a falling body.
Keith: Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?
Veronica: I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.
Keith: Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.
Logan: Is this a joke?
Mr. Daniels: No, Mr. Echolls. This is detention.
Logan: I meant the car. [Mr. Daniels looks irked] Oh, my God... it's not yours, is it?
Veronica: I heard a noise come from your apartment last night. A loud thump.
Andre: Thump. Hmm. That must have been when I cracked her head open with a candlestick and she crumpled to the ground. No, wait. That was Professor Plum in the study.
[Mr. Daniels tells them to alphabetize his books and Weevil starts dropping them on the floor carelessly.]
Logan: You obviously have no appreciation fof literature. [kicks book, then in an English accent] Would that it were Mr. Daniels' head.
Weevil: I was thinkin' more like that scene in "Casino." With the vice grip.
Logan: [normal voice] Ah, see, I'm more of a purist. You know, less blood, more emotional distress. I'd rather see him locked in a room, padded, crapping himself in the corner. You know, he's an English teacher, he'd appreciate the poetic justice.
Weevil: I think I've got your poetic justice.
Logan: Meaning?
Weevil: Meaning I've got a plan. [pause]
Logan: Tick, tick. Losing interest.
Weevil: If I thought you had the cojones to pull it off, I'd tell you, but -
Logan: Never underestimate the size of my cojones.
[Weevil is expelled from school.]
Weevil: Wait... does this mean I can't try out for the soccer team?
Dick: [after finding out Weevil's been expelled] If he starts selling oranges in front of my house, I'm gonna be pissed.
Logan: Man, I tell you, Mr. Clemmons, I am pissed off!
Clemmons: I need for you to used appropriate language in here, Mr. Echolls. Now, what's gotten under your skin?
Logan: It's uh, it's that Weevil kid.
Clemmons: He is no longer a student here.
Logan: Yeah, I know. But the problem is he's getting all the credit for sticking Mr. Daniels' car on the flagpole. Now, all of a sudden, he's like, the biggest badass in... [Clemmons gives a look] rad dude, here at Neptune. People are going to be talking about that punking for years.
Clemmons: I don't think I understand.
Logan: I mean, I want my share of the credit.
Clemmons: You're confessing to helping Eli Navarro? You can't just get away with this, young man.
Logan: [sighs] Yeah, I didn't think I could. [props feet onto desk showcasing those boots made for walking Clemmons wanted earlier] So what kind of punishment are we talking about?
Weevil: Sometimes the girls get put off by this old motorcycle jacket thing. Do you think something in suede might make me seem more... accessible?
Weevil: You put your hands on me like that again, you'll lose one of 'em.
Logan: [deadpanned] Yeah, I think I just peed myself.
Veronica: Think I've got a future in the biz?
Keith: I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.
Veronica: Buy me a pony?
Keith: I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.
Veronica: Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.
Veronica: [voiceover] Sure, the real tragedy happened long before I came along. I just brought it to the surface. But are some things better left buried?
[edit]

Like a Virgin [1.08]

Veronica: Cliff McCormack. Just the person I wanted to see. Can I get you some coffee? A doughnut? Baked good of some sort?
Cliff: Aren't we pleasant. You're not gonna try to sell me a raffle ticket, are you?
Veronica: Close. I want you to get me onto death row to meet with Abel Koontz.
Cliff: [laughs] You crazy kids, the stuff you're into. Hula-Hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death-row inmates. What's it gonna be next month?
Veronica: I'm serious. You're Koontz's lawyer.
Cliff: Interesting fact: Once a person confesses to a crime, gets sentenced to death and refuses to appeal, the term becomes "former lawyer."
Veronica: You can get him to see me.
Cliff: He alone decides who he'll see. And so far, he's seen no one.
Veronica: Except you, his ever-loving lawyer.
Cliff: Yes, me, his $20-an-hour public defender. Dershowitz, Cochran and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here [points to self] for representation. I failed Criminal Law, and I still know that can't be good.
Veronica: Why would Abel Koontz break back into the Kane house simply to steal a pair of shoes?
Cliff: Because he's... crazy? [realization] Your dad didn't page me, did he?
Veronica: Well, does this towel make me look fat?
Meg: You need something to wear? [they walk out of school with Veronica wearing a cheerleading uniform] I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.
Veronica: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.
Pam: Oh, my God, Meg. Is Veronica Mars wearing your uniform?
Meg: Yeah.
Pam: Better make sure she washes it.
Dick: I'd boil it if I were you.
[Talking about the purity test.]
Meg: What'd you score?
Cole: Uh, 91.
Dick: Dude, Snow White took it and scored an 89.
Meg: I think it's sexy we decided to wait. [she kisses him goodbye]
Duncan: All right, Cole. Kissing on the lips now.
Cole: [looking to the heavens] Somebody describe second base to me. Tell me what it's like. Is it beautiful there?
Veronica: Twenty seconds, baby.
Wallace: You're this excited about the Super Featherweight crown?
Veronica: I know. I'm usually so passive. But our bond grows stronger everyday, He Who Has Satellite Dish.
Wallace: So, did you take the purity test? [Veronica looks at him disgustedly] Yeah, me either. Stupid, right?
Veronica: What'd you score?
Wallace: Seventy.
Veronica: Wow, you're a 30% danger loving, girl touching rock star!
Wallace: More like 1 point away from being cool.
Veronica: Here. [unzips her shirt to reveal a sports bra] Now you're a big stud. Happy?
[Wallace laughs, then looks shocked. Veronica's turns around. Wallace's mom has seen the whole thing.]
Alicia: Wallace? Can I talk to you for a moment?
Veronica: That had to be worth at least two points!
Veronica: Did she invite me for supper?
Wallace: Ah no, it's no big deal. You know how many girls she caught flashing me?
Meg: You believe me?
Veronica: Meg, you're the last good person at this school. I'd believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning. If you want, I can find who posted that test for you. We'll clear your name and make somebody pay.
Meg: Really?
Veronica: Unless there's a fairy godmother already on it.
Veronica: Is there any way to convert cyphertext to plaintext without initial knowledge of the crypto algorithms?
Computer Teacher: Excuse me?
Veronica: I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me?
Computer Teacher: Yeah... uh, in real life... I'm actually a gym teacher.
Mac: I don't know why I bother locking it in the first place, it barely runs. Mostly I just keep it around for status.
Veronica: Fo' shizzle.
Wallace: [holding a camera, ready to shoot] Why are you holding your hands like that?
Veronica: So that one day in your memoirs, you'll describe me as inscrutable.
Wallace: I was leaning more toward bonkers.
Veronica: I'll take what I can get.
Veronica: [voiceover] I admit it: I splurged and spent ten bucks to read my own purity test. Apparently I've pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.
Veronica: I need to change the password on my e-mail account. Someone managed to figure out the old one.
Renny: That's why your password should always include numbers as well as letters. Everyone thinks it's fun to use the name of your dog or boyfriend, but that actually makes it easy to crack.
Veronica: My old password was G-J-7-B-!-X.
Renny: Well, try and make this one a little bit tougher.
Veronica: You ready to put the hurt on that Pythagorean theorem?
Wallace: You don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about merked my mom's crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.
Veronica: That guy's sleazy, so I hope merked means something bad. You know, my dad's still got that sheriff sheen. He's great at scaring people away.
Wallace: No, I got it covered. [Keith enters the room]
Veronica: Seriously, you should talk to him.
Keith: Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?
Veronica: [about Keith] Don't worry, it's his specialty. Busting heads and breaking hearts.
Mrs. Murphy: [to Veronica] Why don't you tell us your position on this.
Dick: All fours.
Mrs. Murphy: Dick Casablancas... you can see me after class.
Veronica: [voiceover] Congratulations, Dick. You just made my list.
Duncan: So now it comes out. Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh? And you were her noble Justin, just keeping it all on the down low.
Cole: [impersonating Bill Clinton] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Dick: Come on, man, we know you did. The sweet ones always turn out to be the freakiest.
Cole: [normal voice] No, man, Meg's a good girl. Really good. Good at everything she does. And she does do everything. [all laugh]
Lizzie: [overhearing the conversation] Keep it up, hotshot. Everyone's so impressed. Hey, maybe I should post some of the love poems you wrote to Meg. I know where she keeps them, you know.
Cole: Meg always said you were immature.
Lizzie: Funny. According to her purity test... you were always premature.
Cole: Shut up, Lizzie.
Lizzie: Stop talking about my sister, Cole.
Cole: You don't even like her.
Lizzie: Maybe not. But I love her.
Meg: I don't see how you do it.
Veronica: Do what?
Meg: Deal. The way people talk about you...does it bother you, the things they say?
Veronica: No. Here's what you do: you get tough. You get even.
Meg: Really?
Veronica: Works for me.
Keith: Wallace's mom had a plan, and I didn't want to overstep.
Veronica: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.
Veronica: Oh, God.
Mac: What?
Veronica: My outbox. There's an e-mail from me to my ex-boyfriend.
Mac: Duncan Kane? [Veronica looks at Mac] You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are. Just... a different way. So, what does it say?
Veronica: "Dear Duncan, I want you to know that I still love you very much, and I think about you constantly. Everytime I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating, I had VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me." Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked.
Veronica: I heard the purity test website is gonna start posting pictures to illustrate the questions. Wouldn't these be perfect? Look. "Number 23: Have you ever touched it?" Well I guess you have. This here is a stellar example of number 78. And this one - whoa! I think my score went down just looking at that.
Veronica: Kimmy, why do you insist on pissing me off?
Meg: I was looking for a white horse.
Veronica: Oh, so now I'm your knight in shining armor?
Meg: Pretty much. All of a sudden, everone's running up to me, saying how they never believed I did those things. Cole, even. Not that I care.
Veronica: I'm glad. Funny, no one's come running up to me.
Meg: It's because people are afraid of you.
Veronica: Then something's working.
Meg: Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice, and I needed that. The getting even part...you might want to rethink that one. You do have friends, Veronica.
Veronica: Somebody stole my computer password and used it to send fake e-mails from me to you. So I don't have VD. I've never had VD. And I don't still love you. Just so that you know.
Duncan: Good, 'cause... I'm not, you know, still hung up on you or anything.
Veronica: I never thought you were.
Duncan: Wait... you don't have VD? 'Cause I keep getting this thing on my lip, and I'm not sure who I could've gotten it from.
Alicia: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you... You're a very decent man.
Keith: Yeah, I'd like to think that, but really, I just like tossing people out. It's kind of a hobby.
Alicia: I don't know if you've heard some of the things they say about you.
Keith: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialize with myself. I'm a bad influence.
Veronica: [voiceover] They say the truth will set you free, and I'm looking for the truth in a maximum security prison.
Abel Koontz: Think about it, Veronica. Look in a mirror! Are you the product of a schlubby sheriff, or the king and queen of the prom?
[edit]

Drinking the Kool-Aid [1.09]

Veronica: [noticing scar on Keith's face] What happened to you?
Keith: It's nothing. A little collision at home. Now, cover your eyes and give me your hand.
Veronica: A collision at home? Did you fall in the garbage disposal?
Keith: No, no. Home plate. Safe!
Veronica: Did you see a doctor?
Keith: Honey, it's fine. Chicks dig scars. Now, come on. [excitedly] You gotta see this!
Veronica: What is your deal? You're jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into daddy's meth lab.
Keith: It's a waterbed.
Veronica: All right.
Keith: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since, like, you were 5-years-old.
Veronica: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-bots.
Keith: Sorry it took so long to get Santa's old dead ass in here.
Keith: This is so endearing. My badass action-figure daughter is afraid to draw a teensy little drop of blood.
Veronica: He joined a cult? What do they worship? Wedgies? Keggers? Their parents' platinum cards?
Veronica: For a $5000 bonus, I'll get you his genetic code.
Keith: Veronica... do not, under pain of slow, agonizing death, even think about going to the compound yourself. I'll run the title search, do the background check, take the recon shots, all of that. Nous comprenons-nous?
Veronica: Mais oui. Gotcha, Frenchy.
Wallace: Hacky sack? The final arena of unquestioned white domination.
Veronica: Dad, you're an ex-cop. You know gangland-enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?
Veronica: [voiceover] Maybe I should play this needy, despondent waif card more often.
Veronica: [voiceover] Do not roll your eyes Veronica. You're undercover.
Veronica: [voiceover] Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.
[Veronica is being hugged an extra-long time by a stranger.]
Josh: Mmm.
Veronica: [voiceover] Help! I knew I should have included a few discreet lesbian overtones in that poem.
Veronica: Fair warning, though: My idea of gourmet cooking is sprinkling on some three-year-old Bac-Os to my microwave soup.
Veronica: [voiceover] Wow, it's Bizarro World. Out here, I'm Miss Popular.
Keith: You're covered in mud.
Veronica: See, that's why you make the big bucks.
Veronica: [voiceover] I can't get it out of my mind. Somewhere in Pennsylvania a lab tech is determining if I'm heir to a billion-dollar fortune. It's not about the money. It's about making Jake Kane pay. But if I am an heiress, [Southern accent] as God is my witness, I'll never take cold showers again!
Veronica: I am so ashamed of myself for my meltdown last night. Yeah, I was a rampaging jackass.
Casey: Have you forgotten who you're talking to? I'm Casey Gant, okay? I wrote the jackass Bible, the jackass Koran, the jackass Talmud.
Josh: Hey, listen, would you like to join me for a walk?
Veronica: [voiceover] I knew it. This is when the cult leader claims me as his new bride.
Josh: I'm just saying what you already know.
Veronica: [voiceover] That fake fur was a poor choice to infiltrate utopia?
Veronica: [voiceover] You're saying you don't want my money, you don't want my body, you don't want me working in your ganja fields, you just want me to be happy. Strange.
Keith: What the hell were you thinking, Veronica? That's gotta be the worst decision I've ever seen by someone who wasn't literally brain damaged.
Veronica: Heard anything incriminating yet?
Keith: Nope. It's like listening to the Brady Bunch with a reggae soundtrack.
[Veronica is staring intently at the Missing Person Notice on the back of a milk carton.]
Keith: That must be good milk.
[edit]

An Echolls Family Christmas [1.10]

Veronica: The downside to being an only child - you know all the scary handmade ornaments are yours. [holds up ornament] This concerns me.
Keith: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta put another Padres ornament over there. What? It should be spread out so it's even.
Veronica: You know, there are some people who think Christmas is about the birth of Christ, and not baseball.
Keith: We're all entitled to our own religions, Veronica.
Duncan: [singing and dancing] I'm Mr. Heat-Blister! I'm Mr. 101! They call me Heat-Miser! Whatever I touch, starts to melt...
Logan: You start singing, you stop drinking.
Weevil: You know, you look pretty comfortable with that [cigar] thing in your mouth.
Logan: Sabor Cubano. You people can hand roll like nobody's business.
Duncan: Sean, isn't that ghetto brew beneath you?
Sean: It's the new me. I am projecting a ghetto aesthetic. [to Weevil] Word.
Weevil: Well, I'm not leaving here without my money. Now, do I have to turn each of you upside down and shake you?
Sean: This is the worst game of strip poker. Ever.
Veronica: I'd be the best rich person, seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.
Veronica: Someone stole your laptop?
Duncan: There was this poker game at Logan's last night. Weevil won five grand and someone stole the money. This is his way of collecting.
Veronica: You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.
Duncan: I didn't invite him.
Veronica: I wasn't talking about Weevil.
Veronica: [tilts head] Hey.
Weevil: See, there you go with that head tilt thing. You know, you think you're all bad-ass, but whenever you need something, it's all [mimics Veronica's head tilt] "Hey."
Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.
Logan: If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer is still no.
Weevil: I heard you got a card game going on. I'd like in on it.
Logan: Yeah, I'm sure you would, but I can't.
Weevil: $1000 buy-in, right? I got the money, so what's the problem?
Logan: My only concern is property values going down if anyone sees you in my house without a leafblower or a skimmer.
Weevil: You're concerned? I'm the one who's got to go up into the hills all by myself. What if I run into a pack of you white boys on some clean, well-lit street? I could be bored to death!
Logan: Fine. It's $1000 in 10 crisp hundred dollar bills. We don't take food stamps.
Weevil: [surfer dude accent] Ouch! You got me!
Lynn: It's been a long time, Keith.
Keith: Well, our kids don't seem to hang out together much anymore.
Lynn: Logan's had a tough time with Lilly's death.
Keith: Understandably. So has Veronica.
Sean: [about Weevil] That's what he decides to steal? What's he gonna do with a Fabergé egg?
Logan: Two words, man: Huevos rancheros.
Logan: You were so drunk, you wouldn't know if Kris Kingle walked in and took the money.
Logan: What, are we breaking up now? You want your best friend charm back?
Veronica: I love the smell of testosterone in the morning.
Logan: This is why I suggested attack dogs. But no, my mother wanted an alpaca.
Veronica: My father sent me with paperwork for your mom.
Logan: And you just wanted to say hi? It's a good thing I didn't have my slam book out.
Logan: Hey, maybe you should talk to Connor.
Veronica: Larkin? Like, Connor Larkin?
Logan: Look, he's a mortal, believe me. They just draw his abs on.
Veronica: Is he doing another movie with your father?
Logan: You know, I don't know if it's so much a movie as a $50 million crap pile.
Veronica: Why would Connor steal the money? He's a zillionaire.
Logan: Well, everyone's got their issues, right? [imitating drug snorting]
Weevil: So what's Catherine Zeta-Jones like?
Sean: She likes to read to starving children and bake homemade scones. This according to The Insider.
Connor: I only met her in passing.
Logan: It's not like your people. They don't all know each other.
Connor: Dude, what's up with that?
Logan: What?
Connor: That's like the tenth racist thing you've said.
Logan: Oh my God! Does the soapbox come with the SAG card?
Connor: Or is it because Rosie Perez thought you were a girl?
Weevil: What? Wait, wait. This I gotta hear!
Connor: When Logan was like ten, he was madly in love with Rosie Perez.
Logan: [mutters] You so don't know what you're talking about.
Connor: Aaron arranged for her to come to his birthday party - it was like this big moment. She walks in with this gift and she's like, "Hahppy birthday, Lauren!"
[Everyone laughs]
Logan: That's funny. Really hysterical.
Connor: Oh dude, she got you a purse!
[Everyone laughs]
Sean: Connor, you really are like the son Aaron Echolls never had.
Weevil: So wait, wait - do you still have the purse?
Logan: So unless his Pavlovian response to a downloaded ring tone is to urinate, then he was up to something. Or his bladder's as small as his brain.
Veronica: Look at you, all helpful.
Logan: Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Connor brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one! Annoy like the wind!
Logan: How can you play cards when you can't even get your wallet out of your pocket?
Connor: Then how does he keep winning hands?
Duncan: At least I take out my wallet, unlike some cheap-ass people.
Sean: If I didn't know better Duncan, I'd think you were speaking ill of me.
Duncan: Dude, you get dropped off in a town car and you can't even chip in for beer.
Sean: I happen to enjoy my ghetto brew affectation. Quenching. [drinks ghetto brew]
Duncan: You enjoy being a tightwad.
[Everyone strips to find the stolen money.]
Sean: This is ridiculous.
Connor: Yeah, I usually get six figures for this.
Sean: What about you?
Weevil: I'm the one who got his money stolen.
Sean: Mmm, I'm thinking... crabs?
Weevil: I told your mother to clean up.
Logan: Guys, play nice.
Keith: This is the guest list from the Casablancas' Halloween party. Circle the name of who you slept with. [Aaron circles one name, then another, and another] Maybe I should clarify. Who you slept with at the Halloween party.
Sean: [to Duncan and Logan] Will you guys kiss and make up already?
Weevil: Want a sody-pop or something?
Veronica: You know, I think I want something with a little more kick.
[Veronica takes Duncan's bottle of Jack Daniels, and drinks.]
Duncan: Hey, no!
Weevil: Damn, girl!
Veronica: Mmmm, iced tea?
Duncan: [embarrassed] Yeah...
Veronica: How very musical theater of you.
Veronica: [about Logan] And then there's Bachelor Number Three, and he's got it all. Motive. Access. Looks like an evil-doer. [sniffs him] Smells like an evil-doer. But surprisingly, not so much.
Veronica: I have to say, I was a bit miffed. I was this close to being able to say the butler did it. But no. It was the butler's son.
Sean: That doesn't prove anything.
Veronica: Well, that proves that you're a liar, and the background check I ran on you proves that you've got a bit of a shoplifting problem. You are really bad at it.
Veronica: [voiceover] What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was and always will be, about the trappings: the lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.
[edit]

Silence of the Lamb [1.11]

Keith: You don't go to the Oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?
Veronica: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.
Jackson: I hear you do detective stuff for people.
Veronica: I do favors for friends.
Jackson: I can pay.
Veronica: Sit down, friend.
Jackson: They grounded me for two months for smoking up in my room.
Wallace: Apparently, you've never spent time in a black woman's house. Be glad you're still walking.
Lamb: Veronica Mars. Is your daddy here or is he busy peeking in people's windows?
Veronica: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.
Veronica: You're teaming up with Lamb?
Keith: It's a bitter pill, I know, but they're paying me my normal hourly.
Veronica: And Lamb agreed to this? His head didn't explode?
Keith: The mayor didn't give him a choice. I'm the closest thing they have to an E-String Strangler authority. And it's a big priority for the mayor. A killer preying on partying college girls tends to kill the spring break business.
Veronica: So this is all about tourist revenue? God bless America.
Jackson: I don't care what people say about you, Veronica Mars. You rock!
Veronica: Yes, I do. I also take cash.
Veronica: [to client] Your mom sued her parents for emancipation when she was 16 and then moved to Hollywood. According to the Internet Movie Database, she went on to play such roles as Trucker's Girlfriend, Screaming Maid, and Bi-curious Roommate.
Mac: [to Veronica] With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.
Mac: It's not that they're bad parents. They just... don't get me. They're nachos and NASCAR people, and I'm more...
Veronica: Falafels and... Fellini?
Mac: Exactly.
[Keith and Lamb enter a guitar shop.]
Keith: Hello, Cleveland! "Spinal Tap."
Lamb: What?
Keith: The movie "Spinal Tap." You've never seen "Spinal Tap"?
Lamb: No.
Keith: That explains a lot.
Keith: [to Lamb] I think he's waiting for you to throw your panties.
Lamb: Strapping on a guitar... does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?
Gabe: Does strapping on a gun?
Mac: [after Veronica delays] Suspense effectively built. Hit me.
Lamb: You should've consulted me first.
Keith: What'd you want me to do, consult you in Pig Latin? He was standing right there.
Mac: [about Madison] Do you think she's even read five books in that library? She wouldn't know Monet's Water Lilies unless Revlon named a nail polish after it.
Veronica: So, what made you decide to be a cop?
Leo: Uh, well, it's the same old tired story. I was sent here by the agency to do a strip-o-gram for Inga, an armed robbery call came in, I figured I was in uniform anyway, so what the hell.
Veronica: So you're saying you just kind of stumbled into it.
Leo: Oh, what I'm trying to say is, this uniform, it's a tear-away.
Veronica: I don't see how my age is relevant to this discussion.
Leo: Well, then you're not reading my mind.
Veronica: I'm afraid to ask. And how old are you?
Leo: Twenty.
Veronica: Yeah. I can read the wisdom in your eyes.
Veronica: A cop that rocks? What will they think of next?
Leo: I'm trying to cover all fantasy bases.
Keith: So how do you wanna play this?
Lamb: I say we play to our strengths.
Keith: So I'm good cop?
Veronica: [voiceover] Same old story: girl uses boy, girl falls for boy, boy saves girl's dad's life, girl gets what she deserves.
Mac: I'm going camping with my family.
Veronica: Camping?
Mac: It's a biannual rite of torture.
Veronica: [voiceover] You sent target photos of me to my mom. You call in the Abel Koontz tip. Two words for you, Clarence Wiedman: Game on.
[edit]

Clash of the Tritons [1.12]

Veronica: Know any good lawyers?
Cliff: Very cute. I know an adequate one that just posted your $500 bail.
Veronica: They take Diner's Club here?
Veronica: Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sheriff Lamb I sold you fake a ID?
Rick: It's - it's what they told me to say.
Veronica: Who's they?
Rick: No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.
Veronica: I'll destroy you worse.
Wallace:This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader
Veronica: I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.
Wallace: No sweat! How do I do it?
Veronica: Play on her insecurity.
Wallace: I meant the fake ID.
Veronica: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.
Keith: You know the odd thing? Those were also her first words.
Miss James: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.
Logan: You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
Miss James: You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.
Logan: And what is so great about living?
Veronica: This is a $250 piece of crap. Now I'm not just falsely accused, I'm genuinely offended.
Veronica: Hi, everybody! Say "repressed homosexuality!"
Lamb: Your court date isn't until next Tuesday, right?
Veronica: You might as well go ahead and cancel that while I'm here.
Lamb: Oh, really? Why's that?
Veronica: Well, I thought, for a change, you might be interested in having the real criminal stand trial. In the meantime, I'm gonna have a seat in your lounge - learn how to turn men into jelly with a new way of walking - and wait for the bad guy to turn himself in.
Lamb: I don't have time for your games.
Veronica: And I don't have time to "wrongfully tamper a government-issued document" if I'm stuck here in your office. I'll make you a little deal, Lamb. If I don't deliver the person who put Tim in the hospital by 5pm today, I promise to walk - with a little something extra - into the courthouse on Tuesday and plead guilty to anything you wanna throw at me.
Lamb: What do I have to do?
Veronica: Just pick a name. Write the name of any student on this Post-it. Put it on the envelope, and have one of your minions drop it into locker 110. By the end of the day, that kid will have a fake ID, and you'll have yourself a crook. And I'll be sittin' over here, chillin' like a villain.
Logan: Gosh, Mom. Gee, Dad. Will I be going to live with Grandma?
Lamb: [reading off of a $50 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.
Veronica: Oh, you stop it!
[edit]

Lord of the Bling [1.13]

Veronica: Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back.
Veronica: We used to be friends. A long time ago.
Keith: Hey honey, what's cooking?
Veronica: Not sure myself. Something that ends in -aroni.
Aaron: Have you heard from your sister?
Logan: She sent a telegram. Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater shoot starts tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for mom. Stop. Love you. Stop.
Aaron: Logan...
Logan: Stop?
Lilly: I can't help it if God made me fabulous!
[edit]

Mars vs. Mars [1.14]

Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a "mysterious stranger."
Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.
Logan: So the girl with a pig arm can't really bowl?
Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes; I'm paying you to follow leads.
Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.
Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.
Veronica: I'll stop braiding.
[Trying to filch info on her father's case, Veronica sets off a blue-dye packet in a trap he set for her.]
Keith: Hey, honey. What have you been up to?
Veronica: Tell me where to put your Father of the Year trophy, 'cause there's some place I'd like to put it!
Keith: Wow. Good thing I didn't go with the bear trap.
Veronica: This is not funny! I need to see that diary! She's lying. I know it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Keith Mars: Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face.
Veronica: You're patronizing me?
Keith Mars: To be fair, I am your patron. [grins]
[Veronica is looking at a trophy case.]
Weevil: If you're looking for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.
Veronica: Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps?
Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims, baby.
Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job?
Weevil: Forget it. Look, I got some information for you.
Veronica: Finally! A Deep Throat to call my own.
Weevil: I'm not going to touch that one.
[edit]

Ruskie Business [1.15]

Duncan: Don't be stingy with the glitter. Remember. It's an eighties dance.
Meg: Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.
Veronica: Nothing soothes the nausea, headache and occasional dizziness of a romance overdose like a glimpse of the aftermath. The custody battles, the affairs and...
Veronica: How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?
Wallace: Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.
Veronica: In the detective business, we call this a clue.
[Wallace gets burned doing a favor for his "best friend forever".]
Wallace: About this secret mission.
Veronica: What'cha got?
Wallace: A reputation as a jock-sniffer. You can B your own FF. I'm retired.
Logan: This is Logan with today's inspirational greeting. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt. Leave a message.
Logan: Wow, sugarpuss. You've certainly been a busy little bee. Ah, she's a keeper!
Wallace: Mexican hairless. What's the point of having a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin?
Keith: Don't forget. You're a high school girl. Do some high school girl things now and then.
Veronica: Relax, Dad. I'm cutting pictures of Ashton out of Teen People as we speak.
Leo: We have the sketch artist up from San Diego. Figured I'd test him out. He's not bad.
Veronica: I don't have horns.
Meg: Wow, Veronica, he totally wants to protect and serve you.
Meg: Granted, I would look good on Caz's arm but do you have anything available in sensitive or charming.
Logan: But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker Number Two on CSI this week? How will you get your attention fix?
Trina: Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.
Veronica: You're a prince, Leo.
Leo: Yeah, I'm writing that down.
Veronica: I look like Manila Whore Barbie.
Veronica: [voiceover] J. Geils was right. Love stinks. You can dress it up with sequins and shoulder pads but one way or another you're just gonna end up alone at the spring dance strapped into uncomfortable underwear.
Logan: I love the '80s!
Leo: Head's up, Risky Business at 12 o'clock.
Logan: Come on, everybody, wang chung tonight! What? Everybody, wang chung tonight! Wang chung, or I'll kick your ass!
Veronica: I cannot escape Tom Cruise.
Trina: Logan, when did you stop wearing pants?
[edit]

Betty and Veronica [1.16]

Veronica: Wow, a snack and an ego stroke. I wish I was a baller.
Duncan: Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.
Wallace: On the streets we call those dimes.
Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.
[Undercover as "Betty" at a rival school, Veronica is invited to the basketball team's lunch table.]
Veronica: Whoever said it is a men's world had no idea how easy it is sometimes to be a girl.
Veronica: [as "Betty"] At my old school I was Horny! [receives odd looks] We were the Rhinos. I was the mascot.
Richie: And what school was that?
Veronica: Riverdale.
Richie: Never heard of it.
Veronica: A day in the life of a human Google. Always in search mode. One moment tracking down the absurd, parrots and goats, metaphors for a school pride I don't possess, and an hour or two later, going after the appalling, the murderer of a teenage girl.
Leo: Just so you know, in my mind that daydream was about me.
Veronica: Oh yeah?
Leo: I was a little surprised you had me in full armor but, whatever.
Weevil: Where's the bird, Wilson? I'm nearly bursting with Pirate pride here. Weevil wanna punch a cracker.
Weevil: Wait a minute. You went to a pet store and took a picture of yourself with a parrot so people would think you were cool?
Wilson: Yeah. All right?
Weevil: That's this close [uses thumb and finger to illustrate] to taking a hot cousin to your prom. Go home.
Leo: I hate to bribe you, but... I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.
Veronica: Actually, it qualifies you for dinner and a movie, but you undershot, so...
Leo: Damn!
Duncan: Looks like we're gonna have plenty of material for the "Letters to the Editor" page. [quoting a letter] "Polly's kidnapping is more than just a juvenile school prank — it is an act of terrorism."
Veronica: Wow. Polly wanna payback.
Duncan: Students Against Animal Cruelty? They threw the bucket of blood on the homecoming queen a couple of years ago for wearing fur.
Veronica: Bucket of blood. Have we learned nothing from Carrie?
Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?
Wallace: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?
[edit]

Kanes and Abel's [1.17]

Clarence: Could you describe this friend?
Roommate: Tiny, blonde, cute as a bug.
Sabrina: I need your help.
Veronica: A little club soda on the sleeves?
Veronica: Caz, I'm kind of busy so let's play this at fast forward. I ask you to stop harassing Sabrina Fuller. You deny it. I eventually catch you. You're suspended, dropped from basketball and made the subject of a news blurb that everyone chuckles at in the papers. So stop harassing Sabrina, okay?
Caz: Look, I'm not harassing Sabrina.
Veronica: Caz, did you listen?
Keith: Look, I don't know if you were looking for "Pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at P.I....
Veronica: Hello? Yes, this is 'Miss Sabrina'. A bad boy? Well...Nestor Greely of Encinitas, twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job!
Veronica: Caz, you were lurking. The innocent rarely lurk.
Caz: You know if you asked, I would jump off the roof?
Sabrina: Can I get you to stop that?
Veronica: Ask him to jump.
Jake: You are having sex with my daughter?
Weevil: Not right now.
Keith: Guess who stopped by today?
Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm gonna be so bummed.
[edit]

Weapons of Class Destruction [1.18]

[Veronica enters the house after kissing deputy Leo goodnight.]
Keith: Veronica, we need to talk.
Veronica: [in Southern accent] He's a fine gentleman, Pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait.
Veronica: Dear Seventeen Magazine, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class has a crush on me? No, strike that. Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class murdered his sister?
Wallace: He's not gropin' her, is he?
Veronica: No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.
Pete: How can you even have an opinion on Ubuntu if you haven't tried it? 2.6 kernel, live CD that even had GNOME 2 point 0 the day Warty Warthog came out.
Mac: I'm sorry! I am perfectly content with OS X. I have all the awk, grep, and sed that I want without any need for that pitiful font deuglification.
Pete: But...but...but...the fonts are deuglified, and it's free. Fine, you know, live in the dark ages.
Mac: I know what I like - and I like what I know.
Veronica: Hey, that iPod mini is something else, isn't it?
[Veronica and Wallace eye a suspicious student.]
Wallace: Clemmons made him turn his shirt inside out.
Veronica: Why? What'd it say?
Wallace: "Kill them all. Let God sort 'em out."
Veronica: My dad is a private detective, if I don't check in after school he freaks, there will be people looking for me, armed people.
Ben: I want to show you something.
Veronica: Why can't we do it someplace public? Frappuccino anyone? My treat.
Ben: I know you think you are being a hero, but, a lot of people might die because of you.
Ben: [talking to Veronica] Is it okay if he goes outside? [referring to Logan] I would like to talk to you.
Logan: Dream on, Jump Street, I'm not leaving you alone with her.
[Veronica calls Mac for yet another computer-tech favor.]
Mac: What did you ever do before you met me?
Veronica: Ever see the first 10 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that.
[Mac grins but fails to respond.]
Veronica: Monkeys… clubbing each other…?
Mac: No, I… I got it.
[Veronica herself falls silent as she spots informant Pete.]
Mac: Veronica? Earth to Mars?
[edit]

Hot Dogs [1.19]

Logan: So, what do you think?
Veronica: Like, in general? Or is there a specific arena on which you'd like my opinion?
Veronica: [voiceover] Alrighty, Logan, we'll just skip over the two minutes in heaven we had. You want to pretend it never happened? No argument here. My lips, for all intents and purposes, are sealed.
Logan: Push in on our hero. Natural light frames his handsome, weathered face, as he passed sage advice to his doting daughter. The music swells. [imitating Yoda] "Important your family is, hmm, hmm."
Trina: Pop Tart?
Logan: Hmmm, a Tart from a tart.
Trina: Ye of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something?
Logan: Hmm, would you look at that? [mimics pulling something from his mouth] There was a string attached to my Pop Tart. [tosses away imaginary string]
Trina: Yeah. Well, I'm in a little bit of a jam, and I could use a loan.
Logan: [stops his stopwatch] Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hmmm, I wonder who had that in the pool.
Trina: You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
Logan: Oh, I do. I do.
Trina: Could I just borrow ten grand? Just for a little while.
Logan: Ten grand?!
Trina: Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago, and now he's bugging me about it. I — I can't get him off my back.
Logan: Did you try standing up?
Trina: Is Dad still at dinner?
Logan: Yeah, but he's not far. I'm sure if you really tried, you could blow smoke up his ass from here. [pauses] Hey, Trin — if you take your top off before you get on the mechanical bull, you won't fall off.
Logan: Hey, I need your help.
Veronica: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like, I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?
Logan: Do you think Lilly loved Weevil?
Veronica: I don't know. Um, Lilly never mentioned anything to me about Weevil. I was wondering when you were going to ask me about that.
Logan: Yeah, well… I don't know. When he's caught in her bedroom, you know, I guess you gotta think.
Veronica: You're handling it a lot better than I thought you would.
Logan: I loved Lilly. And Lilly loved guys.
Veronica: Logan, you know that —
Logan: You know, she used to say that her… her parents worshipped Duncan and tolerated her. And if she couldn't please 'em, she was going to go out of her way to piss 'em off. Weevil must have been perfect for that.
Veronica: I know Lilly loved you.
Logan: Just not like I loved her. [pauses] It's okay. No, you know, it kinda lets me off the hook. You know, I… You know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
Veronica: Feel guilty about what?
Logan: Movin' on. [he kisses her]
Veronica: What are we doing? [they giggle]
Logan: No idea. [resume kissing]
Veronica: We need to talk about this.
Logan: I know.
Veronica: Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for awhile and see what happens.
Logan: Meet in mop closets? Pass each other secret notes in the hallway? [pauses]Come on, I'll drive you home on the back streets.
Lilly: Oh my gosh, look what I found in my cereal box this morning. It's a spy pen!
Veronica: What's a spy pen? [Lilly pulls out the pen] How covert ops of you!
Lilly: I'm going to use it to pass secret messages to all my lovahs.
Veronica: This is going to be a very busy little pen.
Veronica: I need to talk to you.
Leo: Me. Finally, me.
Veronica: I can't date you anymore.
Leo: Huh. Whoa. Okay.
Veronica: Trust me, you don't want to date me. I'm a train wreck. Seriously. The first guy I ever loved just dropped off the face of the earth, probably because of something I said. And the last guy I dated turned out to be a drug dealer. And I just made out with my dead best friend's boyfriend, who — incidentally — I hate. So… [points to self] Train wreck.
[edit]

M.A.D. [1.20]

Logan: I am beyond tardy for my physics class. If I remember right, time travel is not yet possible.
Veronica: So try petty corruption. Tardy excuse slips, date-stamped, untraceable.
Veronica: No offense, but you look... odd.
Wallace: I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes - they burn.
Veronica: Any idea w