Futurama

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Futurama (1999–2003) was an animated television series created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, the series follows Philip J. Fry, a 20th century human who was cryogenically frozen in the year 1999, and his friends and coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.

Contents

1 Season 1
2 Season 2
3 Season 3
4 Season 4

Season 1

Space Pilot 3000 [1.1]

Fry:[first lines of the series] Space, it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.

Fry: It's the future! My parents, my coworkers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again! [pause] Yahooo!

Leela: [to Fry] Well at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

[Fry and Leela meet]

Fry: Can I ask you a quesion?

Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.

Fry: Uhh...

Leela: Is it about my eye?

Fry: Sort of.

Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.

Fry: What's with the eye?

Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Now let's change the subject.

Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?

Leela: No, I just work here.

Leela: [to Smitty] This is officer 1B-DI.

Fry: Whoa…a real live robot; or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.

Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.

[After Fry's argument that Bender should ignore his programming]

Bender: You're full of crap, Fry!

[Bender turns around, hits a lamp, and gets electrocuted]

Bender: You make a persuasive argument, Fry!

Fry:This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to love?

Professor Farnsworth: If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes!

Episode Two: The Series Has Landed [1.2]

Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?

Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.

Fry: I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.

Leela: A week would be a bit much.

Bender: Yeah, well, I'm gonna build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park!

Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.

Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.

Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.

Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid—

Fry: I had more, but you go ahead.

Leela: If the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death.

Bender: Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.

I, Roommate [1.3]

Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all…

Fry: Bender, wake up!

Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Fry: Never mind, go back to sleep.

Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Hey, baby...wanna kill all humans?

Bender: Of all the friends I've had…you're the first.

Bender: Beneath that warm, fuzzy exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories of my old place.

[He opens his chest cavity and presses a button.]

Bender: And now they're gone!

Love's Labours Lost in Space [1.4]

Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Stardate ... uh ... April 13.2. We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking you a question!

Zapp Brannigan: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down.

Zapp Brannigan: What troubles you, Leela? Is it something I can send wave after wave of my own men at?

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Zapp Brannigan: Did my reputation precede me, or was I too quick for it?

Zapp Brannigan: A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art of War, or my own masterwork, Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War.

Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's law; I merely enforce it.

Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octilian system from a horde of rampaging killbots.

Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more killbots.

Brannigan: As my protege, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.

[Kif sighs.]

Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

Kif: [exasperated] Yes!

Fear of a Bot Planet [1.5]

Robot #1: Administer the test.

Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweety, or C: a large properly formatted data file?

Robot #1: Choose!

Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.

Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!

Robot #2: Correct!

Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.

Bender: Death to humans!

Fry: Aww, it's good to hear his voice.

A Fishful of Dollars [1.6]

Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?

Leela: Of course.

Fry: But, how is that possible?

Professor Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg.

[He shows forth an egg and injects liquid with a syringe until the egg explodes.]

Professor Farnsworth: Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.

Professor Farnsworth: They say madness runs in our family. Some people even call me crazy! And why? Because I dared to dream ... of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of ... [walks out of room]

Amy: G'uh! It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist.

My Three Suns [1.7]

Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten ... and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!

Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?

Professor Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the Zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.

Leela: This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one.

Fry: This can't be happening!

Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is.

A Big Piece of Garbage [1.8]

Morbo: In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain.

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.

Hermes: Why can't they go today?

Professor Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.

Professor Farnsworth: I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile!

Video Narrator: New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full.

[After watching an online movie on the solution to the garbage problem in New York]

Fry: Wow. In my day, the only reason people went on the Internet was pornography.

Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still the case.

[In the movie]

Female Scientist / Porn Star: Now that the asteroid is gone, Doctor, perhaps you'd like to help my with my sexual inhibitions?

Male Scientist / Porn Star: With gusto.

Hell Is Other Robots [1.9]

Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.

Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!

Bender: Surely you're not going to eat before we say robot grace. (praying) In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerimatic, 1000101010101... 001011001... 2. Amen.

Leela: Who would have thought Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?

A Flight To Remember [1.10]

Kif: It's an emergency, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe!

Countess de la Roca: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence, and your sincerity simulator.

Leela: Oh, god…Not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela: Let's just say we crossed paths…

Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "captain's itch".

Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.

Kif: Why that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: No. It's noble of you, Kif! As of now, you're in command.

Leela: Oh my god! We're heading straight into a black hole!

Fry: Talk about a mood killer.

Mars University [1.11]

Fry: He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment.

Professor Farnsworth: Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable.

Dean of Mars University: Every time a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Every time the campus liquor store is looted, it's Robot House. Every time a human corpse is desecrated…

Fatbot: I heard that in one single night, you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.

Bender: Yeah, well, a lot of them were children.

Gearshift: Hey, Bender, you sure this is a shortcut?

Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago!

[Prof. Farnsworth and Fry are trying to help Guenter choose between his IQ-expanding hat and a regular life as a monkey.]

Professor Farnsworth: Come on, Guenter. Take the hat!

Fry: No, the banana. The banana!

Professor Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the—

Fry: Banana, banana, banana!

Fry: I vow to get into college and drop out all over again!

Leela: You won't last two weeks!

Fry: Aw, thanks for believing in me.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

When Aliens Attack [1.12]

Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!

Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!

Zapp Brannigan: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go it alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.

Zapp Brannigan: If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards…Checkmate!

Zapp Brannigan: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, and some of you are black. You're brown. [to Bender] And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together.

Zapp Brannigan: Good work everyone; the mothership is destroyed.

[The real mothership reveals itself.]

Zapp Brannigan: What the hell is that thing?

Kif: It appears to be the mothership…

Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?

Kif: [checks one of the instruments] The Hubble Telescope.

Fry and the Slurm Factory [1.13]

Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them!

Fry: Fine! I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. Hehehe. [falls into the Slurm] Help! I can't swim!

Leela: Bender, why did you jump in?

Bender: Everybody was doing it. I just wanted to be popular.

Season 2

Brannigan Begin Again [2.2]

Zapp Brannigan: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?

Zapp Brannigan: I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me.

Zapp Brannigan: Fly the white flag of war!

Zapp Brannigan: One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.

Kif: No, it doesn't.

Zapp Brannigan: Rock crushes scissors. But paper covers rock! And scissors cuts paper! Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper! And, bring me a rock!

Zapp Brannigan: My friends! You can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.

A Head in the Polls [2.3]

Fry: I hear that! I spent most of my teen-years loving my body! Of course, it was tough love, but...

Bender: Bodies are for hookers and fat people.

Amy: Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.

Richard Nixon's Head: Leave now before I go Cambodian on your ass!

Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies!

Bender: Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!

Fry: I have a plan!

Leela: I have a better plan.

Xmas Story [2.4]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear, they'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?

Fry: Whose blood?

Bender: Some guy's.

Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? [2.5]

Fry: Now that's what I call a thousand years of progress: a Bavarian Cream dog that's self-microwaving!

Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school so remind me; disembowling in your species—fatal or non-fatal?

Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

Dr. Zoidberg: Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it!

Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?

Dr. Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.

Put Your Head on my Shoulders [2.7]

Amy: Lucky I'm a member of the Austro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian Auto Association. Hello, Septuple-A?

[Amy and Fry just announced that they were going out together.]

Bender: Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics...

Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money!

Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? ... - Please!

[Zoidberg raises his hand towards Bender as if he tried to say something]

Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous!

Dr. Zoidberg: Awww.

Fry: I'm doing my job - there is Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine - there is Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy - there is Amy!

Raging Bender [2.8]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!

A Bicyclops Built For Two [2.9]

Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.

Computer: Leela, you've got mail!

Leela: [dejected] Oh...

Computer: It's not spam!

A Clone of my Own [2.10]

Professor Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a Great White shark—suddenly you've gone too far!

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back [2.11]

[Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.]

Fry: No! Don't jump!

Bender: Do a flip!

Hermes: Life... death... either way I'll be confined to a small cubicle!

Dr. Zoidberg: Friends! No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available!

The Deep South [2.12]

Bender: In case of emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation device!

Bender Gets Made [2.13]

Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot ... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!

Don-Bot: File not found.

Cop: He's making a break for it. Get him!

Fry: No, no, I was just picking my nose.

Cop: He's picking his nose. Get him!

Mother's Day [2.14]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!

The Problem With Popplers [2.15]

Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having them!

Fry: I'm experienced with foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat!

Leela: Well, it's a Type M planet. So it should at least have Roddenberries.

Professor Farnsworth: There's one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!

Leela: Come on, little Poppler. Say mama!

Fry: Look, Leela. Even if you've heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk. And we eat them, right?

Bender: Yeah! Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick. Like Fry.

Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry!

Leela: Animals eat other animals, so why can't we?

Hippie Protestor: That's not true! We taught a lion to eat tofu!

[The protestor points to a skinny, ill-sounding lion.]

Anthology of Interest I [2.16]

Bender: Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

[Leela is killing Hermes.]

Hermes: What is it that you're hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!

Professor Farnsworth: [to Fry] That question was less stupid; though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.

[Fry, back in the year 2000, has just refused to let himself be frozen, thus destroying the universe.]

Al Gore: You fool! You foolish fool!

Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me, oh you've killed me.

Leela: Oh god, what have I done?

Professor Farnsworth: I just told you, you've killed me.

Dr. Zoidberg: A letter from Bender, my good friend!

Dr. Zoidberg: [reading letter] "Dear Doctor Jerkberg..."

War is the H-Word [2.17]

Professor Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.

Soldier: Why is this godforsaken planet worth dying for?

Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the one who is going to be dying.

Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it.

Zapp Brannigan: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

Richard Nixon's head: We are now in position over Spheron 6. This is the moment we have been training for all yesterday afternoon.

Zapp Brannigan: Now. The key to victory is the element of surprise. SURPRISE!

[Brannagin opens a hatch and drops all the soldiers on the planet's surface.]

The Honking [2.18]

Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.

Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.

Professor Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.

Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!

Bender: No! I want to live! There's still too many things I don't own!

Sal: We're all scared. It's the human condition. Why do you thinks I put on this tough guy facade?

The Cryonic Woman [2.19]

Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.

Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.

Leela: Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, sir.

Dr. Zoidberg: Goodbye friends! I'll miss you! [They leave.] Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!

Professor Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Let's all talk to Zoidberg.

Fry: I've had it with women. From now on I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back?

Professor Farnsworth: Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you...

Bender: Because he destroyed your business, your home and all your possession.

Season 3

Amazon Women in the Mood [3.1]

[Zapp Brannigan attempts to pilot an an orbiting restaurant, but fails. The restaurant starts crashing toward a planet.]

Zapp Brannigan: You win again, gravity!

Zapp Brannigan: Stop! No more! The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised!

The Luck of the Fryrish [3.4]

Racetrack PA announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish.

Professor Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!

Bender: There! Now no one can say I don't own John Laroquette's spine!

The Bird-bot of Ice-Catraz [3.5]

Professor Farnsworth: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof.

Leela: [to Bender] That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice...

Bender: Thank you.

Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.

Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.

Professor Farnsworth: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.

Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Bender: Owww, what is the water made of, ice?

Bender: Yeah, life is hilariously cruel.

Bendless Love [3.6]

Professor Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend, a ninety degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.

Professor Farnsworth: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp and their tweet tweet splat.

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid [3.7]

Nibblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.

Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.

Giant Brain Spawn: Foolish human race! Organising your knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands!

That's Lobstertainment [3.8]

Professor Farnsworth: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone.

Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.

Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.

Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this!

The Cyber House Rules [3.9]

[Fry is trying to convince Leela not to have surgery to attach a fake eye.]

Fry: But you're better than normal: you're abnormal.

Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird.

Adelai: Leela, you're nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine in a million.

Where the Buggalo Roam [3.10]

Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!

Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan!

Insane in the Mainframe [3.11]

[The Planet Express staff visit Fry and Bender in The Institute for Criminally Insane Robots.]

Professor Farnsworth: Don't worry, Fry, I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum ... but now it's nearly over.

Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Amy: Aww, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.

Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!

Bender: Don't kill me yet! I think I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome... handsome.

The Route of All Evil [3.12]

Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Bendin' in the Wind [3.13]

Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money!

Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic!

Bender: I was a hero to broken robots, because I was one of them! But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Oh, that's it - I'll fake it!

Bender: So can I keep the money?

Art Garfunkel's Descendant: Over my cold, dead career.

Time Keeps on Slippin' [3.14]

Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.

[Representatives from the Globetrotter planet challenge Earth to a basketball game.]

Fry: What happens if we lose?

'Bubblegum' Tate: Nothing! There's nothing to lose, and no threat.

[A temporal distortion has caused Fry to lose the basketball game.]

Leela: Nice going, Fry! Now the entire universe is going to be cracking wise about our mothers.

Hermes Conrad: [tearfully] I'm just glad my fat hairy mother isn't alive to see this.

Professor Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes!

Professor Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! [Presses a button, revealing a vast and fearsome arsenal of doomsday weapons] I suppose I could part with one and still be feared...

Bender: My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless.

Professor Farnsworth: By Tuesday it'll be Thursday. By Wednesday, it'll be August. And by Thursday, it'll be the end of existence as we know it!

I Dated a Robot [3.15]

TV show character: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!

Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot!

A Leela of Her Own [3.16]

Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Anthology of Interest II [3.18]

Fry: All right ... it's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!

Bender: Now, you say you're off to see the professor? 'Cause I could use a heart. A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.

Roswell That Ends Well [3.19]

Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky.

Bender: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass!

Professor Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!

Fry: But existing is basically all I do!

Fry: We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.

Professor Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!

Professor Farnsworth: Ooh, a lesson in not changing history from mister "I'm-my-own-grandpa"! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Godfellas [3.20]

Fry: You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears and go like bla bla bla bla ...

Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee.

God: When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

[Fry and Leela have locked some monks in a laundry room.]

Monk: Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored!

Dr. Zoidberg: Hurray, people are paying attention to me!

Bender: You know, I was God once.

God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.

Malakai: I beseech thee, rise up against them, smite someone who deserves it for once.

Leela: Fry, if I drop dead from exhaustion, make sure my body freezes in a dignified position; none of that huddled over for warmth crap.

Future Stock [3.21]

Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for schoolteachers!

Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!

That Guy: Awesome. Awesome to the max !

[Last words]

That Guy: My only regret is... that I have ... boneitis.

The 30% Iron Chef [3.22]

[Dr. Zoidberg has broken one of the professor's bottles.]

Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes the bottle ... then perhaps gifts!

Season 4

Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch [4.1]

Professor Farnsworth: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome!

Leela's Homeworld [4.2]

Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!

Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.

Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste!

Fry: What does it taste like?

Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good. But, a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Fry: Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet!

Love and Rocket [4.3]

Planet Express Ship: Oh honey, look! The Tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pyjama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?

Bender: Yup. Mindnumbingly interesting.

[Lrrr and Ndnda are watching Friends on TV.]

Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?

Professor Farnsworth: With that big new Romanticorp contract, I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about.

Bender: [laughing] Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.

Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

Less Than Hero [4.4]

Leela: Oh, I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire!

π-kea Robot: Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.

[Fry and Leela discovered a cream that can cause super-powers, and are seeing which they have.]

Leela: Super Strength?

Fry: Yep.

Leela: Lickity speed?

Fry: Check.

Leela: Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?

Fry: Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!

Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you!

Leela: Ain't got that.

Leela: Hey, guess who I just got off the video phone with!

Bender: No!

Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase.

Professor Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded! I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.

A Taste of Freedom [4.5]

Dr. Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer!

Ambassador Mervin: You're welcome.

Dr. Zoidberg: Do you think that maybe all this oppression is schmutzing up our freedom lesson?

Ambassador Mervin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg!

Dr. Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.

Fry: We're not listening!

Dr. Zoidberg: That's what I'm talking about!

Dr. Zoidberg: Haha! Now, the rubber band is on the other claw!

Zapp Brannigan: Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill.

Old Man Waterfall: Do ya worst, ya sea devils! Ah'll make ma stand with Old Freebie! You can crush me, but you can't crush ma spirit!

[A massive claw crushes him.]

Old Man Waterfall: Argggghhh! My spirit!

Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV [4.6]

Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer.

Calculon: I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies.

Network President: "Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase.

Woman: Have you ever been on TV before?

Bender: Once, when I took those hostages.

Calculon: I saw that, you were good.

Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.

Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

Jurassic Bark [4.7]

Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.

Prof. Farnsworth: [after repeated warnings go unheeded] PROFESSOR! LAVA! HOT!

Crimes of the Hot [4.8]

Fry: Wow! That ice dispenser is so big, the ice crushes you! Yakov Smirnov said it.

Leela: No he didn't.

Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

Morbo: Windmills do not work that way! Good night!

Bender: Out of ice?! It's the end of banana daiquiris as we know it! Oh, and life.

Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles [4.9]

Bender: When I grow up, I want to be a steam shovel!

Professor Farnsworth: The Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just a legend. Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend and now he's head of the FBI.

Professor Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!

Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.

Professor Farnsworth: You sound just like my tennis instructor.

Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, professor.

Professor Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth, they're nuclear-powered!

Professor Farnsworth: With my last breath ... I curse Zoidberg!

Where No Fan Has Gone Before [4.11]

Melllvar: Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek!

William Shatner: We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers!

Melllvar: If I can't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will!

The Sting [4.12]

Leela: Hah! The only thing the old crew did better than us was suck and die!

[Leela is lying comatose in a hospital bed. Fry is at her side.]

Fry: Listen to me! You don't want to lie in bed and do nothing the rest of your life. I've tried it. Bedsores hurt!

Leela: OK! I'm insane. But I'm still sane enough to know it.

Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!

Professor Farnsworth: Of course Fry still exists ... as a frozen corpse in outer space! [chuckles momentarily, then suddenly stops, despondent] Oh. I made myself sad.

Amalgamated Priest: I never knew Fry, but as a clergyman, I have no problem talking about him to his most intimate friends.

Leela: Is it some sort of brain scanner?

Professor Farnsworth: Some sort, yes. In France it's called a guillotine.

Bend Her [4.13]

Bender: I'm so embarrassed. I just wish everybody else was dead.

Hermes: Jamaicans have other interests! Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport.

Bender: ...just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

Obsoletely Fabulous [4.14]

Bender: I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.

Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!

Bender: The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!

Bender: Save my friends! And Zoidberg!

[The Planet Express crewis trapped under the ship, surrounded by a ring of burning fuel.]

Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! [pause] Also, we're dying!

The Farnsworth Parabox [4.15]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news everyone, I'm still technically alive. -Yes.

[Leela is standing guard over the forbidden box.]

Leela: Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box. Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek. [sighs] I need coffee.

[She walks to the coffee machine and is about to put the coin in but looks back at the box.]

Leela: OK, heads I look, tails I don't.

[She flips the coin and covers it. She lifts her hand and smiles.]

Leela: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, alright then. [pause] No! I have a duty not to look. Well, then again, I promised the coin I would.

Alternate Farnsworth: And when you create a parallel universe it's almost always populated by evil twins.

Leela: But I'm not evil. My loan officer says I'm not.

Alternate Farnsworth: Ohhh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say 'Eevila'?

[The Planet Express staff emerges in a universe with no boxes. A hippie version of Prof. Farnsworth looks in the box where they came out.]

Hippie Farnsworth: Dig it, all of you fitting in this box is like seriously freaked up!

Professor Farnsworth: Nonsense! Why, there is a whole universe in there.

Hippie Farnsworth: Dude, there's a universe in all of us…

Hippie Amy: Right on, professor Freaksworth.

Professor Farnsworth: Get a job!

Three Hundred Big Boys [4.16]

Hermes: With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!

Hermes: Isn't this fun?

Dwight: No! I wish I had two mommies!

Kif: It's powered by love. Also, you have to wind it.

Scruffy: Scruffy's formulated a plan. But you'll need a ready source of nauseating rotten fish.

Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Fois Gras and caviar.

Dr. Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? Where's the goose? Where's the fish?

Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.

Dr. Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!

Fry: Of course I was up all night. Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee.

Cop: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist.

Dr. Zoidberg: I ask for rich guy stuff, and you give me shiny pebbles? BAH!

[Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.]

Morbo: Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you.

Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!

Spanish Fry [4.17]

Fry: Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me!

Prof. Farnsworth: Fry? What in Sega Genesis happened to you?

Linda: Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses.

Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy…including Pottery Barn.

Alien: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?

Leela: You two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodesiac.

Fry: However huge it might be.

Ndnd: So what you do suggest, painfully single human?

Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?

Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right!

The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings [4.18]

Robot Devil: Pah! This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant!

Robot Devil: You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

Robot Devil: So, it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon!

Bender: I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that is SO what I would've done!

Bender: You may have to "metaphorically" make a deal with the "devil". And by "devil", I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically", I mean "Get your coat."

Calculon: I do owe you for giving me this unholy (overdramatically) ACTING TALENT!

Bender: Aww, you know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes.

Robot Devil: Well it so happens that I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.

Bender: Forget it. You can't tempt me.

Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want?

Bender: Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.

Fry: Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off!

Hedonism Bot: Surgery, in an opera—how decadent!

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